


i am

by callingthequits



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Character Study, Drabble, well slightly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-18
Updated: 2013-05-18
Packaged: 2017-12-12 05:30:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/807836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/callingthequits/pseuds/callingthequits
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not a statement of who he thinks he is. It's a declarative sentence explaining that Tony Stark is nothing but someone who creates, builds, fixes--it's four words, four simple words, that when laid out are his core. He is an Engineer. That's what he lives for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i am

When it's dark, that's when the light shines brighter. When everything is black, you instantly latch your eyes to what's white. When you can't see anything, you find the one thing you _can_. Because the thing you can't see, boys and girls, is the scariest thing in the world. Why? Well, that's a simple answer of you don't know that it's there, or what it is, where it is, or if it's there. Humans have always been the most inquisitive and the most curious, with the brains and determination to _know_. 

Something that you don't know is dangerous. It's dangerous because it's something you don't know. It's an endless loop of society being idiots and people being stupid. The Unknown is simultaneous with Fear. Those who dare delve into its depths are labeled as reckless and crazy. Strangely, those people never get labeled as Human. They get labeled as Moronic, Adventurers, Daredevils. If they wish to shorten it, people say Mad.

Since Tony doesn't consider himself as strictly human, he's an Inventor. But when he decides to be nice to himself, he says Creator, which leaves a sweeter taste on his tongue. 

In the end, however, he mans up and says Engineer, and it feels a little like breathing.

And Tony, because he's Tony, he gulps it up and sucks it in and says it again, almost like a mantra. Because Engineer, that's him, that's who he is, that's who he was always meant to be. He was born to create and build and fix, and that's what Engineers _do_ , and he's an Engineer. It's become an arc word to him, and he thinks of it every time he forgets who he is. Because it happens too much, it happens far too much, so he thinks of it and it reminds him of something resembling home.

Because it doesn't look like it, but the workshop? That's where he goes when he's happy, when he's sad, when he's furious, and when he's everything and nothing at the same time. It's where he simply _is_. And that, that bunch of scraps and bolts and nothing of worth, that's where he belongs. It's where he puts things together and puts things apart, where everything can be used, everything is important, and everything is made into something that's useful and _good_.

He's an Engineer, that's who he is, so when he snarks at Rogers, "Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist," he catches on his breath and experiences a mental panic attack. Because he forgot who he is, and when he forgets who he is, that's worrying because that means he forgets Dummy and Jarvis and You and Butterfingers and the suit and the arc reactor and _why he's alive today_ and _why he's alive in the first place._  

It's worrying because that means he forgets that he builds, not destroy.

People call him Conceited, Brilliant, Famous. Sometimes Gorgeous or Sexy, which he won't deny. People who have actually met him might call him unbelievably Loud. Shield calls him Not Recommended. Rhodey sometimes calls him Annoying. Happy calls him Boss. Pepper calls him with an air of eloquence and reminders of meetings he has to go to, and occasionally Tony in a very annoyed but affectionate way.

Howard didn't call him anything, because he didn't care enough.

And Tony? Well, he calls himself a lot of things, some of them ego-boosting and some of them not meant for kids under the age of thirteen. But the one thing, his one light in the darkness? His label?

That's Engineer. Because he is.


End file.
